it's hard that things can turn around so fast in a week or so, sometimes.

I wonder how many guys feel choked out.

We've got a good God. We gotta be serious about serving Him, because He did something serious for us.

McDonalds ice cream cones make me miss my dad, and my brother. And 1st grade. And bike rides and duck ponds and super nintendo.

There are mormons everywhere, today. And im sitting here in my car.

I'm upset, I think...

as opposed to downset, I suppose... obviously a little more than simply 'set'

The difference between boldness and cowardness is all in the motives. A coward seeks his own gain, and a courageos man seeks the gain of others at his expense.

my stupid heart

thoughts are so precious. so very precious.

and they're so valuable. so I'm being very careful with what I write and where I write it. people can spin it all over the board, I guess - and often times, yes, they do.


the truth is, though, I'm down. I've been down. it has nothing to do with JUST one small thing that happened the night before. but things are hard. I'm looking forward to relief.

it's like that relief you look forward to when you fast. you just look forward to it - you crave it, almost. "God will satisfy me at the end of this period."


so pray that I get this job. pray that I get over feeling useless, and stupid, and like a failure.

it's this mix of loneliness and invasion. they call it 'community.' I call it hurt.

I really cant help but to wonder why im the only who ever cares, and why it always fails. It makes me think my tendency is to make oceans out of puddles.

Gary put off his old shoes. Gary put on his new shoes.

More than often i feel the most alone when i try to do the right thing that no one else is willing to do. Maybe a man will forever reap loneliness with courage.

Tossed aside, and ostrasized. No where to go for love, no hand to hold. Tossed aside, alone. Theyre alone, and it makes me want to scream. (and i sometimes do)

'Gary' - i shook the mans hand, and i realized that i knew him. We sat, we laughed, he needs a job, i got his shoe size. We both need the Lord.

Theres something misplaced about articles and interviews that deal with enduring the ecomic crunch in order to have a happy memorial day get away vacation.

I def hit the wall around 9 pm.

What if we fought with the same fervancy for the spread of the Gospel Message that we do for our personal Christian rights and liberties?

Today we met a pool cleaner named Heiner, with a cross breed dingo in his side car and a frozen bird in the fridge.

we all missed Casimir Pulaski Day.

at least we have Juneteenth to look forward to.

a couple thoughts for today...

I almost think it would've been better if I hadn't voted for prop 8, or if I'd voted no. because Christians are taking all the flack for it.

and rightfully so, I think.

the bigger question ought to be whether or not prop 8 should even exist. but maybe I'll develope that one a bit later on.

(I'm not going liberal on you, don't worry.)



also...

I think I'm going to add greg behle to my list of people I want to be.



and one last thing:

I'm no longer allowed to wear a beanie on a Tuesday or a Thursday. hold me to that.

sometimes I feel like I'm not the way people think I am. and I think that goes both ways.

I've done a lot of stupid things, these past few weeks. and a lot of things have happened, and I don't know if I'm directly or indirectly apart of any of it.

inevitibly, there are a lot of 'what if'sthat I try my best to avoid.


for example, there was an disciplinary incident recently that involved several people that I know - all of which had varying degrees of severity. sometimes I wonder if those kinds of things could've been avoided if I had taken more initiative in doing something. I don't know, though. I could never know that kind of thing, and it's not for me to dwell on - just for me to move ahead.

but it weighs in on me...


I'm leading a team out to jackson hole, wyoming, in a couple of days. I feel like all of the team organization and dynamics have just been catch-up from the get-go. now, I love the team - my coleader is awesome, and I'm really stoked about the trip.

but I can't help but to wonder (and I really can't help it) - did I play a direct role in how bumpy things have been up until now? and even now, there are what feels like a million steps to accomplish before we can leave on Friday. lately I've been dropping the ball in every area of my life, it seems. and I can't drop the ball on this - it's so big.

but it's calling into question every aspect of my leadership... and I'm thinking maybe I'm not the leader people think I am - maybe I only believed what other people have been affirming. I don't know.


needless to say... I'm having a hard time with myself, right now. and the worst part about that all is that I can't get away from myself, no matter how had I try. I wake up and I'm still right here with me, I leave and there I am , I go to sleep and I dream with me.

not too many of these blogs are really positive... or I feel like that's the way it is. I can't pretend that I haven't been messing up, though.



I've been doing so many more stupid things than I usually do... ah man. Lord, have mercy...

people that I want to be

"Remember your leaders, those who spoke to you the word of God. Consider the outcome of their way of life, and imitate their faith." Hebrews 13:7

1. Gunner Gundersen
2. Francis Chan
3. Eric Davis
4. Reverend Luvard Howard
5. Titus (from the Scriptures)
6. John Huss
7. Profesor Jim Owen

(and since someone asked, this isn't a final or exhaustive list)

Parachutes by Coldplay is still such a great album. so good for mornings. makes me miss my apartment... but just a little bit (I don't miss being 19)

I think I'm starting to get into my Micah mode of the semester, where I need like 3 alarm clocks to wake up in the morning.


this is from my New Testament Survey 1 notes, with Dr. Behle:

4. Sports
- Greek sports exalted human physique (Gymnasuim)
- Romans - more contact/blood sports, horse racing (Hypodrome)
- Jews avoided most sports, because of brutality & nakedness

saturday night / sunday morning

sometimes I just feel like...

maybe I'm not living in reality. and I've just got everyone fooled really well.

because when I say things, they make just enough sense. but only just enough.



most of the time, I'm the last one to find out that I don't know what I'm doing. I'm really grateful for the people the Lord's put in my life to help me figure things out.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ELjc-RD2pI

monday 1

everybody's bad at dealing with discouragement.

when I'm discouraged, I'm bad at dealing with it. if I go to other people about it, sometimes I only get more discouraged.

sometimes I wake up early on a monday to get things done that I couldn't get done on a late sunday night and just feel like I can't take on the week, anymore.

things that count as science #1

There's a cup of grape juice on my book shelf that's been there since at LEAST monday. I'm going to put it on the very top of my shelf.

hopefully I'll find it again before I move out of here, for good.

I just wanna see what'll happen.

thoughts

in a strange twist of irony, I reminded a few young men a little while ago that we were adults.

11:27 PM

I've got some good friends

thoughts

so...

if I'm going to be tired anyway... I'm going to stay up and get ahead, tonight. I'm realizing (or I'm re-realizing) that just a little bit more effort can put you weeks ahead of schedule.

some notes

1. I left some grape juice on my book shelf for a couple of weeks. I went to pour it out tonight, but of course, I decided it'd be better to smell it first. It smelled like red wine. I poured it down the sink and the bathroom smelled like alcohol.

2. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T-lv8745InI

3. my dad likes John Mayer

4. Erin and I had a really great week end with my folks

warm waters

for me...

blogging can be one of my only outlets to be raw. to really let it out.

I've been working through whether or not that's a good thing... and consequently I'll hit points where I stop writing things for everyone to see and think about.

does it just bring the focus to me? to my problems, my thoughts, my intellect?

ultimately, does it glorify my God?


so I've thought about that a lot. am I just complaining? am I bagging on someone? do I have one specific person in mind when I write?



sometimes I can get a bit overwhelmed. it's good to have people to talk to about different things, and by God's grace I've had a lot more people in my life that have understood and cared about the things of the Lord and His people, who have really taken an interest in what's going on and where I'm at.

sometimes, though, I really need to cry. I really do. but where can I go to do that? I don't know.

you know why? because crying is weak. and I'm not supposed to be weak. my whole life I've been weak. physically weak, mentally weak, emotionally weak.

when I'm weak, who will follow me? when I'm weak, what does that say to the people who have put themselves under me? how does it trickle down? how is it conveyed? what gets lost in the translation? see, I'm just not good at faking it. I'm really not. so I'll hide out, I'll shut down, I'll waste time and let my mind wander.

I've been put in this situations where everything around me seems to be saying one thing but meaning another thing. where I need to rely on the strength of the Lord but I need to be strong, myself. being a man means standing on my own, standing on my own means I have the audacity to compete with God for His glory.



at this moment, it's my family. that's the thing that's really been weighing down on me. the biggest thing. but there are other things. things equally as large, or just as close. they're all tied together, I think. at the end of the day, the morning, the afternoon, the night, the week - I'm faced with everyway that I've failed to make the best of things, to meet all these standards and to slip into all these molds.

but sometimes I really, really just need to get on my face. just cry, and cry loudly. where can I go to do that? my room mate is asleep - he has a big week end of studying that starts after a good nights sleep that I really want him to have. there are freshman running around in the hall, and I'm not sure whether I'm paid to be the one to tell them my room mate is asleep so they need to keep it down, or if I'm supposed to be running around with them because I have some 'spiritual agenda.' if I retreat, if I take time to myself, some how it's 'sin' around here because I'm not contributing to the community. Yet, my great God and Savior retreated often into sweet communion with the Lord in solitudinal prayer.

can I go out to my car with out someone knocking on my window? that's great, I suppose. God bless everyone who cares - but sometimes that in and of itself is the issue - I just can't get away.




different things are important to me. different than the things that I feel like should be important to me, because I'm on SLS at the Master's College. I care about the lost, I think the school should be making a bigger impact. some people see those things. and so maybe I'm not crazy. but the truth is, I'm still stifled - I'm still staggering, I'm still kicked down and really feeling like giving up, sometimes.

does that scare you? that I want to give up? does it freak you out?

then who am I? am I the Christ? I'm not... I'm more like Him than I've ever been but I'm still so much further than I wish I was (in a practical sense).

I have a girlfriend that I can confide in for just a slice of the day, and some good friends that I've been able to pour in to more than I was able to last semester. even in all those blessed incidences that I've been graced with, it's still so limited...



I guess all that is to say: I appreciate the people who won't leave me in the dust when I go down in mourning. I appreciate the people in my life who have followed me, even after seeing me in the raw, bleeding all over the place and trying to hold all my pieces together. I appreciate the people who understand that I'm a sinner, that everyone's a sinner, that they're still willing to follow me because the Lord is the one who is at work in me and not myself.

I appreciate my girlfriend, my family, my best friends - all of this I've been graced with and I'm trying to just be satisfied. I just wish I could go somewhere and really be real. I wish there wasn't all this pressure, all the time.

art 1

so I made this. it didn't take that long, altogether, but I've been working on it for a while, now.

(actually I've been working on it since sunday night)

it came from two pictures:

getting by

I was telling erin, for a guy who never learned how to tie a tie I've been doing pretty good for myself...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZQQr09Ja1zY

ohhh yeah.

(for the record, I watched it with out sound)

if Paul can say this...

"So I find it to be a law that when I want

to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I

delight in the law of God, in my inner being,

but I see in my members another law wag-

ing war against the law of my mind and mak-

ing me captive to the law of sin that dwells in

my members.

Wretched man that I am!

Who will deliver me from this body of death?

(then our hope is found in this)


Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our
Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God
with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the
law of sin.


There is therefore now no condemnation
for those whoa re in Christ jesus. For
the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in
Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.

For God has done what the law, weakened
by the flesh, could not do. By sending His
own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for
sin, He condemned sin in the flesh, in order
that the righteous requirement of the law
might be fulfilled in us, who walk not accord-
ing to the flesh but according to the Spirit."

reflection 1

Authenticity in a relationship is really hard to find, but it's so sweet once it's found. I've been blessed with some very authentic friends... friends that let down, that make mistakes, that mess up, that aren't always Christ-like. But they're real.

I guess, in general, I like to try and give people the benefeit of the doubt.

Maybe not so much I like to do it... but I feel like they don't deserve anything other than that.



Trust is an interesting thing, though. When people open up to you about things - about how they've lied to other people, or when people let their guard down completely after a while and they feel like it's 'ok to gossip' - sometimes I can't help but to wonder.

There's a difference, though - between a Christian and a non-Christian - or someone blatantly straining to act like a Christian and believe Christian things. There's really no excuse for believers, I think. There's no excuse for being worldly, for participating in the dealings and the social acts of the world, for blending in and making excuses. No, there's no room for that.

It's important to remember, though, that non-believers don't have the Holy Spirit. I think we believers tend to think otherwise, and I believe that's faulty thinking, unfit for ministry.


So then, there's more leniance, as there ought to be. Because we're never called to be separate from the world. And there's the opportunity to have good friendships with the people of the world - within (and maybe a bit beyond) reason, I think.

Even so, it's never surprising to see how long or how quick the make up comes off. When they stop straining. When they're real. When they're real, that's when real work can begin.


Among other things, we're called to show God's grace in the world. I think that's only limited in how much of God's grace we've really experienced.

thoughts 5

I remember not too long ago (when I was more buff) deciding with some old friends of mine to hike to the top of one of the mountain trails that resided east a little ways from the small Orange County suburb that we grew up in. It was part of the Saddleback/Santa Ana Mountain range - the trail (or at least the beginning of the trail) was known as the Holy Jim trail.

I think there were a lot of time that I, as a kid, looked at the mountains from the deceptive distance of my parents' second story window and really didn't think a whole lot of it. When I got older, I think I took note of how the sun setting in the west would cast some pretty awesome colors onto the age old mountain range. But I still didn't care much more than to affirm that they were there, in the distance.

When I became a Christian, one of the strangest changes that happened in me that maybe sometimes I really overlook was my sudden love (craving) for the outdoors. Maybe with school studies and other things that tend to occupy the majority of my time, I don't get out and hike or camp as much as I really want to. But I definitely remember being in community college, all of a sudden finding myself at this trail from time to time, more and more frequently, hiking to the water fall, finding hidden silver mines, playing with the newts - anything and everything. We all loved going to Holy Jim, for some reason.

But I really, really wanted to hike to the top. I guess the urge to get to the top of that thing built and built until we finally went and did it towards the beginning of last summer.

And it's always so funny to me, how God seems to bring things full circle all the time. And when you start to think that particular circle might have reached it's end, you realize that the circle was much bigger than you originally thought. Sometimes that circle started decades before you were even born.

I learned a lot of things from that trip. Even today, I'm still learning.

It was more than just a silly hike with some good childhood friends. It was more than just my trying to prove something. It was one of those hard lessons in life, that was so visual, so hands on, so parallel to everything I'm learning or I'd been learning up to that point that - as crazy as it seemed - would be even crazier for me to ignore.

One of the greatest things that I learned, though, was that a team - any team - needs a strong leader - not physically, no. But a strong leader, whose strength is best shown by his commitment to empowering his team to reach a particular goal, and his ability to do so, realizing that his position is to lead from the front, from behind, and from within the team. I learned that his team is only as strong as it's weakest member, and past of his commitment to serving his team encompasses the empowerment of the weakest member to succeed in making it to the top.

I learned that if there hadn't been a strong leader, no one would've made it to the top. I learned that a leader needs to convey the vision properly to his team. And I learned that the leader takes at the very least EVERY single step his team takes to make it to their destination, but a good leader will usually take more so - and it's not always forward.

In our success, I learned how I failed - in in my failure, I learned how to better succeed.

One thing was for sure, though: A leader should have some good sense as to what he's up against, but he should also be readying both himself and the entire team for the possibility (or inevitability) of encountering the unknown.

None of us had hiked this mountain, before. But I wasn't unfamiliar with what it took to hike to the top. Hiking wasn't foreign to me. Neither were physical demands of the mountain and the sun as they worked together against my body.

See, we'd seen the mountain from a distance for a long, long time. We'd eventually started coming closer and closer to the summit, venturing further and further in. But none of us tasted the reality of the venture to the top until we'd gone further than we'd ever gone before, and made the conscious decision not to turn back.

At any rate, we made it to the top. I learned more about my friends, that day, from the long periods of silence than I'd learned from most of our conversations up to that point.

This past month has been very affirming. The reality of where the Lord is taking us is getting closer and closer. I'm starting to see the trail head... And I'm realizing there really won't be any kind of map. Just a narrow road, from here on out. And the further we get in, the closer we will all get to the point of no return.

the orphan, the widow, the damned

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090123/ap_on_re_eu/eu_belgium_stabbings

particularly gruesome...

almost unbelievable. I wish I was a super hero, sometimes. I would find this guy and make him eat his knife through his nose.

"(It's) something you hear about from America, not here," said bake shop owner Bie Hoornaert.

half year intervals

There's really something about all of this...

I mean, when everything just kind of falls into place...



She makes me feel like I can take on the entire world. That's a girlfriend to praise God for, for sure.

Brown Jug

It's amazing how much we seem to strive to avoid any hint of post-modern thought or anything that could even give off a hint of the emergent movement outwardly, but we don't realize how subdtly it exists in our individual lives, or even as believers.

I think about that, sometimes.



Even though it can be stained and tarnished, depraved and self-pleasing, there's still nothing quite like the love of a child. That kind of love, the kind of earthly love that we can experience, is only rivaled by the love of a parent. The love that a mother has for her child - it's a real love - something that can't be denied if it's really there.

It speaks louder than words, that kind of love.

And there's nothing quite like that look in a mother's eyes - a look of loving concern for her child. Sometimes, you've gotta be able to see what people are 'really' saying. Maybe it's dangerous for me to say that.

When a mother is telling you that she's ok, that she doesn't need help, she means well and wants to do the right thing... but sometimes what she's really saying, what her and the entire situation is saying is this:

"I live an hour away from here. I'm a single mother, I'm working hard to get a good education and I'm spending a lot of money because I need to take advantage of this opportunity that the Lord has given me. Things are hard, times are hard, I love my son much more than I love anything or anyone else in this world. Even though this crisis is so small, my situation is so desparate that I don't know how to ask you to become a part of this because I barely even know you."

Maybe that's post-modern thought? Maybe it's reading between the lines?





Maybe it's better than saying "Go, be warm and be filled" ? Than saying "Well God bless you," and leaving?

thoughts 4

(side note: There's some pizza on my desk that I've been nibbling on for a couple of minutes, now. It's been here in a take-out box from the caf since lunch. I know that's gross... I'm just so hungry, though. But I think I'm going to stop)

I had a good talk with a friend, just now, standing in the door way. For the short duration of the actual talk, we probably talked outselves out - provided it was the end of the night/the beginning of the day.

We talked about introversion - how it's more than often portrayed as a sinful life-style, detrimental to the growth and well-being of the community of believers. I'm starting to not think so, though.

Introverts and Extroverts all sin. Both orientations, I think - or should I even say, both propensities/tendencies/personalities, objectively, don't seem to be any more sinful than the other. I would seem as though they both create unique avenues for the cultivation of the same kinds of sin - just worked out in different ways. Both can be just as sinful, and both can be just as God-honoring, provided the righteousness of the Lord is duely applied.

5 montheroos!

whelp - my girlfriend wrote a post about me...

she's really amazing... she's way more than I could ever deserve... and that's the nicest stuff anyone's ever written about me, everrr.

(she's awfully pretty)

thoughts 3

Sometimes it gets really loud out in the hall. Right now it sounds like someone's being kidnapped. He probably is.

Gunner delivered a great message this morning in chapel. I felt like all of it hit me where I was at. As I've been here at the college, I've been challenged, I've been convicted, I've been encouraged and I've been moved to tears by the things that have come from the pulpit. Today was the first message that really stood out as something that my flesh had to wrestle with, because it hit me so hard where I was at. It was hard to sit through.

Recently I've been thinking it would be great if I didn't have any emotions, at all. That's kind of unrealistic... but sometimes if I feel like, if could just be completely objective, I would be much more effective in a lot of the things I did. That's a little vain, though - a vain pursuit. One of my older brothers reminded me, not so long ago, that a lot (if not all) men in Scripture were fairly candid with their emotions - and he exhorted me to still hold on to that.

I think I one of those generally-applicable things I've always heard about guys (us men folk), and something that I've actually always kind of cringed at the thought of when I thought about whether or not it was applicable to me, is the stereotype that guys shut down when they over-load emotionally. I've been finding more, though, as I've gotten older that certain things do definitely put me into shut down mode. sometimes it's hard to find the on switch or a place to plug me in.

I've found that I've grown greatly as a leader, by the grace of the Lord, as someone who can process things more objectively - at least in comparison to how I would recently process things. I still find, though, that I hit my limits. Part of me really wants to internalize everything.

oxyclean

We ate at wing stop earlier today, after Church - and we had a grand ol' time. It was definitely great getting to eat with some good friends again, after a season of vacation. Through out the course of lunch, some how (not surprisingly) I managed to get some barbecue sauce on my pants. I didn't get any on Erin, so that's good - at any rate, I decided to try and give the OxyClean another go (I got some red sauce on my shirt/tie earlier in the week... disaster), so I sprayed some of that stuff on my leg.

When I whiped it off, the stain was completely gone (see macro), but I also noticed an unhealthy ammount of blue had come off my jeans, too.






yikes. We just finished up with Spring WOW and T&L stuff, and we're about to jump into the semester. This week definitely left me with a lot to think about, for sure...

I might have to shoot over to the 24 hour walmart in just a sec.

it's a bit late

I'm running on just a few hours of sleep.

every moment I've spent awake has been well worth it.

(girlfriends double as photo subjects)

thoughts 2

I took my coat off, a little while ago, and placed it on the corner of my bed.

I thought about slipping my neck tie off my head like I did the other night, but decided it'd just be better to tie it (better) in the morning - so I took it completely off. I took off my dress shirt, put it on the quilt that Erin gave me, texted her a couple of times, and put some oxi-clean on the red sauce stains on some of my clothes.

The stains came out of the tie, for sure. But the dress shirt - not so sure.

I looked at myself in the mirror, though, with my black a-shirt and my low-rise kakis that we scored at a really sweet discount price at Target.

And I thought to myself: "I could work full time, again."

And I'd love to.




This week's been really busy - and I've loved it. Pete's doing a great job, and I've really enjoyed working with everyone on the council. I've had a great time being with the new students, but most of all, I've had an excellent time hosting Dr. Erwin Lutzer.

We were turning the corner off of McBean towards the strip by the Hyatt, when he turned to me and said:

"Well, my dear friend: it would seem that there are, indeed, dark days ahead for the Church."



It was the first time I'd thought about some of the greater implications of the utter reality of the Lord's ordination of our ministry at this particular time in American History with a substantial ammount of anticipation, and maybe even a little bit of fear.

It was also one of the most substantial moments of affirmation, in the pursuit of church-planting in Boulder.

All of a sudden, everything else seemed less scarey.

My heart is beating a little bit harder... and I'm excited.



I stopped at McDonalds, after Target. I got a coke, but I don't think I'm going to finish it. It doesn't taste that great.

thoughts 1

I was in the caf the other day (monday), sitting with some wowies. We had gyros that day, for lunch. Maza bread, with some meat.

And I never really know how to eat those things... whether I should fold them up, break it into pieces, or what. Usually I feel like the maza is pretty dry, but I like it and I'll usually eat it anyways, but I usually need something to drink.

I've been pretty thirsty (naturally) since I've come back to the canyon. That's pretty normal. I'm used to getting really dehydrated and needing to re-climatize, when I come back here. It's been especially hot and dry these last few days, though - especially in light of the fact that it's only January.

Soda isn't always the best thing to drink out here, especially when it's hot and dry. I ended up getting grape juice. While I struggled for a bit to figure out how to eat my gyro (I'm realizing at this point in the blog that I've been calling them pin wheels. problem corrected...), eventually I came to a point where I realized I'd eaten all the meat.

All I had was maza bread, and grape juice. I put the maza bread in my mouth, I drank the grape juice. I looked down at my plate and my heart sunk.

I was born

So it's definitely my birthday.

And for some reason, I can't help but to think we've got it all wrong all these years. Not the day, no... as in, not the 'date' - I'm pretty sure (we're all pretty sure) I was born on January 9th, 1987.

But in terms of... the celebration of the day. I think we all feel entitled to at least (and if we want to be honest with ourselves... we feel entitled to more than just) our birthday, out of the entire year. But why?

Why should I feel entitled to anything at all?

I'm entitled to death and judgment. Kind of bleak for a birthday blog, huh? Bleak, perhaps... but more so, probably the most honest assessment I can give, at this point.



I want to make my birthday about other people. That'll be hard, at first... but maybe not as hard as it would be with out the Lord. I've had 22 of these things, now - 22 of them, and they've all been about me... but what better day to try and honor YHWH than your own birthday?



Snap.


On a side note....

It's pretty windy, outside... and warm... and it's awesome. And we get internet from Centre Point Church in this one little (and comfy) spot on the couch. The new laptop is holding up well and things are looking good :) Erin Augustson is amazing and I got a call from my parents this morning wishing me a very happy birthday.

and Erin and I took 176 pictures on my webcam in 1 night. :)