sometimes I feel like I'm not the way people think I am. and I think that goes both ways.

I've done a lot of stupid things, these past few weeks. and a lot of things have happened, and I don't know if I'm directly or indirectly apart of any of it.

inevitibly, there are a lot of 'what if'sthat I try my best to avoid.


for example, there was an disciplinary incident recently that involved several people that I know - all of which had varying degrees of severity. sometimes I wonder if those kinds of things could've been avoided if I had taken more initiative in doing something. I don't know, though. I could never know that kind of thing, and it's not for me to dwell on - just for me to move ahead.

but it weighs in on me...


I'm leading a team out to jackson hole, wyoming, in a couple of days. I feel like all of the team organization and dynamics have just been catch-up from the get-go. now, I love the team - my coleader is awesome, and I'm really stoked about the trip.

but I can't help but to wonder (and I really can't help it) - did I play a direct role in how bumpy things have been up until now? and even now, there are what feels like a million steps to accomplish before we can leave on Friday. lately I've been dropping the ball in every area of my life, it seems. and I can't drop the ball on this - it's so big.

but it's calling into question every aspect of my leadership... and I'm thinking maybe I'm not the leader people think I am - maybe I only believed what other people have been affirming. I don't know.


needless to say... I'm having a hard time with myself, right now. and the worst part about that all is that I can't get away from myself, no matter how had I try. I wake up and I'm still right here with me, I leave and there I am , I go to sleep and I dream with me.

not too many of these blogs are really positive... or I feel like that's the way it is. I can't pretend that I haven't been messing up, though.



I've been doing so many more stupid things than I usually do... ah man. Lord, have mercy...